Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE, 1970 A.D., by ALFRED DENNIS GODLEY


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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE, 1970 A.D., by                     Poet's Biography
First Line: The war is over; waterloo is won:
Last Line: That was all.
Alternate Author Name(s): Godley, A. D.
Subject(s): Future; Oxford University


THE War is over: Waterloo is won:
Oxford, distracted by the question, 'Should
The art of Reading be compulsory
In Smalls, or not?' has spoken out at last.
Reading Compulsory is doomed. So now
Blind Obscurantism's final citadel
Has fall'n; its last defenders' carcases
Fill the Last Ditch; and Oxford, Learning's home,
Fully in touch with Secondary Schools,
Democracy, and cinematographs,
Treads the true path of World-Enlightenment!
Now (since you ask me) let me summarize
The details of debate: Professor Scrobbs
Moved to reject the Statute. He had seen
All things in turn made optional: first Greek,
Then Latin; French, German, Geometry,
Algebra, Natural Science: each in turn
Ceased to be necessary, and in time
Ceased to be studied by Democracy.
All these had gone; Reading alone was left,
Alone to stem the principle, whereby
All candidates offered whate'er they liked:
One, a collection of his postage-stamps --
Birds' eggs another -- and a third perhaps
An orally repeated list of Blues.
He would not say that such-like subjects were
Devoid of merit educational;
Still, he did think their value was enhanced
When they were offered by a student who
Could read plain words, up to three syllables.
The Regia Professoress of Greek,
And eke the Corpus (Corpus 'twas, not Corpa)
Professoress of Latin, did not know
('Twas very true) those ancient languages, --
But they had cribs, which answered quite as well;
But what of Reading? where (he wished to ask)
Could they provide a substitute for that?
He drew a picture most discouraging
Of Alma Mater quite untaught to read, --
Her students trained by cinemas alone:
Her academic statutes and decrees
Taught viva voce by the Registrar --
Horrible thought!
But no one seemed to mind;
In fact, Professor Scrobbs and his remarks
Were very ill received.
And then uprose
The Rectoress of Boniface. She said
She wholly disagreed with Dr. Scrobbs.
Let them face facts: confront realities:
Which proved beyond a doubt that Boniface
Was emptying fast; nor women came, nor men
Enough to fill those venerable halls,
Because, forsooth! The flower of Britain's youth
Was barred from Boniface (the Muses' haunt)
By tests linguistic which prescribed that all
Must learn mere reading -- tests which were alike
Degrading from their brute facility
And far too difficult! The Rectoress
Herself loved reading; she could read (she said)
As well -- nay, better than Professor Scrobbs:
But when she tried to teach her pupils too
'Twas quite impossible: two syllables
They might achieve -- but when it came to three
They said they'd go to Cambridge: and they did.
Thus far the Rectoress: and after her
Professor Bones, a physiologist,
Asked why, if Scientists were wholly free
From reading in Responsions (and in fact
Science had been exempted long ago),
Should anybody else be forced to read?
This seemed to him quite inadmissible:
It was an insult: scientific men
Would thus be branded, in comparison
With other students, as illiterate,
Which they were not. Himself, he must confess,
Had learnt to read; but 'twas a waste of time;
He wished he hadn't.
Mr. Hidebound then,
A simple Master from St. Edmund Hall,
Addressed the audience. It appeared that he
Opposed the Statute, so they howled him down;
Therefore I cannot tell you what he said,
Because he did not say it.
Then there spoke
The learned Mrs. Fadworthy, of New.
She too loved reading, but loved freedom more;
She was a life-long Liberal; to her
Compulsion was a base, a horrid thing;
All should indulge their wishes! [Loud applause
From undergraduates in the gallery.]
Thus, the millennium could be brought to pass;
The fewer people were compelled to read
The more would Culture flourish! 'Nay,' said she
'If Homer could not read, then why should we?'
Last, the Head Mistress of Rugmarlchester
Briefly explained. Let there be no mistake:
Her pupils could not read, nor meant to learn:
They meant to come to Oxford. Oxford then
Must toe the line. If Universities
Duly obeyed Head Mistresses' decrees,
They might awhile postpone their destined fall;
If not, they'd be abolished!
That was all.





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